I kneel by my prayer bench. I pray, I read His Word, I write in my journal. My request is to understand Him more, to go deeper into the bottomless depths of His love and who He is. For weeks now, I have immersed myself in studying to better understand intimacy with Him...to understand His love, not just for the world, as in "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son...", and not just for the church universal. I want to understand how this God who created the heavens and the earth could be head over heels, crazy in love with me, the individual. I study the Word, fingers carressing the printed page as I read the love song of the Song of Solomon. I download and study The Way of Intimacy study notes from International House of Prayer. I read Dana Candler's beautiful words in Deep Unto Deep, and the amazing book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. I have some understanding, and I attempt to share what little I know with others. But I sense that something is missing, and I sense that it's something simple that I just don't see, don't understand yet. So I ask. Ask for understanding. And then in peace I wait. There at the prayer bench, no answer comes. And yet, my heart remains at peace, for I am familiar with this part of Our relationship. I often ask, and Eternal God, often takes His time in answering.
The household chores are done, the soup is made, the bread is rising, and I head out my front door for my walk. The Ipod plays Misty Edwards in my ears, my eyes feast on the beauty of a sunny fall day in my neighborhood. And suddenly, in my spirit, not in my ears, I hear these words..."The song is first." Like a long lost puzzle piece, suddenly found, the understanding clicks into place. As usual, He makes it simple for me to understand.
When I had my daughters, and then my three grandchildren, shortly after each one was born, or adopted, as both are the case in our family, I had a song for them. I don't say "wrote a song", because it wasn't like that, me sitting around trying to think of lyrics and music, with a wastebasket full of wadded up reject songs sittting by my desk. No, in each instance, a song, simple childlike music and lyrics, just bubbled up from out of my heart, and was forever the song that I, as mama, and then nana, sang for that individual baby. Most recently, eight months ago, my oldest daughter finally had a baby after over eight years of infertility. The night Elliana was born, I was so excited about this little flesh and blood miracle, that I couldn't sleep. I thought about a song for her, but didn't "try" to make one. The next morning, still overly excited, I got up before the sun and made a birthday cake to bring up to the hospital. Then, I hopped into the shower,and there it was, the song just bubbled up out of my heart so full of joy and love...
We waited such a long, long, time
But God heard us from heaven
You're His answer sent from heaven
It was simple, but it was her song alone. Appropriate for one whose name means, The Lord has answered us." And God said, "the song was first"...as if to say it was there, waiting in my heart, for the day she was born. And then I knew, and understood something about God's love for me, the individual. I understood that the song that God sings over me, (see Zephaniah 3:17), was in the heart of this God Who always was, always is, and Who is to come, from eternity. I was always in His heart too-loved, planned for, purposed, as an individual, from eternity. And on the day I took my first breath, the God of all Creation, burst forth into my song...the song that was always in His heart for me. And all of heaven, rang out, as God sang Elizabeth's song.
A piece of understanding, just by asking, and then waiting with ears and heart open is waiting for you too.