They say death comes in threes. I don't like superstition. I don't believe in superstition. Yet, it seems like death did come in threes. Boom. Boom. Boom.
The first notice came on my way to Jumping Tandem: The Retreat. My uncle, mama's brother-in-law and long time ago schoolmate, passed away. He was almost 92.
The last notice came yesterday afternoon when we found out that a pastor friend of ours, a pastor who God had used to steer my husband back onto the right path when he was a rebellious youth, passed away after a brief, fierce fight with cancer. He was in his seventies.
It was the call yesterday morning that pulled me into the undertow of grief. Her mama called me. Our sweet K, had gone to be with Jesus at 8 a.m. that morning. She was only 40 years old. She has twelve year old twin girls as well as a nineteen year old daughter left behind without their mama. This morning, I sat in bed sipping my first cup of coffee, staring ahead blankly, tears running down my face. I have too many "feels" going on right now to be able to keep them all tucked neatly inside.
I've tried to steer my heart back to the happy place, back to focusing on the fact that our youngest daughter is getting married in two and a half weeks to the man she's prayed for, we've prayed for, for years and years. I couldn't be happier for her. But I'm not feeling the happy right now, I'm feeling the panic...there are so many, so very many doggone little things to remember, so many things to get done. God help me.
I came back on Sunday from Jumping Tandem:the retreat with my heart full to overflowing with the goodness I experienced there. Jesus was there. The worship was amazing, the words shared were powerful. The heart connections made with friends was beautiful. The inspiration for writing made me ready to come home and just do it! The reality is that I don't have the time or quiet moments right now to process it all, much less to do it, to sit down and put into action all that I was inspired to try. Part of me is afraid I'll forget it all before I do have the time to process it, to try it, to do it. I'm frustrated.
Life is a roller coaster of circumstances. I am a roller coaster of emotions right now. Sometimes having a sensitive nature that feels all the feels is a curse, not a blessing. I feel my own stuff and I feel yours, too. Right now, I'm feeling the loss of a mother grieving her daughter, of daughters grieving the loss of their mama. Like I said, right now I feel pulled into an undertow of grief. They say in an undertow not to try to fight it and swim for shore, instead you should swim with it. So today I'm giving myself permission to do just that. Today I'm just going to let myself feel the feels. Today I'm just going to focus on staying afloat.
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