Wednesday, May 6, 2015

The undertow...



They say death comes in threes.  I don't like superstition.  I don't believe in superstition.  Yet, it seems like death did come in threes.  Boom. Boom. Boom.

The first notice came on my way to Jumping Tandem: The Retreat.  My uncle, mama's brother-in-law and long time ago schoolmate, passed away.  He was almost 92.  

The last notice came yesterday afternoon when we found out that a pastor friend of ours, a pastor who God had used to steer my husband back onto the right path when he was a rebellious youth, passed away after a brief, fierce fight with cancer.  He was in his seventies.

It was the call yesterday morning that pulled me into the undertow of grief.  Her mama called me.  Our sweet K, had gone to be with Jesus at 8 a.m. that morning.  She was only 40 years old.  She has twelve year old twin girls as well as a nineteen year old daughter left behind without their mama.  This morning, I sat in bed sipping my first cup of coffee, staring ahead blankly, tears running down my face.  I have too many "feels" going on right now to be able to keep them all tucked neatly inside.

I've tried to steer my heart back to the happy place, back to focusing on the fact that our youngest daughter is getting married in two and a half weeks to the man she's prayed for, we've prayed for, for years and years.  I couldn't be happier for her.  But I'm not feeling the happy right now, I'm feeling the panic...there are so many, so very many doggone little things to remember, so many things to get done.  God help me.

I came back on Sunday from Jumping Tandem:the retreat with my heart full to overflowing with the goodness I experienced there.  Jesus was there.  The worship was amazing, the words shared were powerful.  The heart connections made with friends was beautiful.  The inspiration for writing made me ready to come home and just do it!  The reality is that I don't have the time or quiet moments right now to process it all, much less to do it,  to sit down and put into action all that I was inspired to try.  Part of me is afraid I'll forget it all before I do have the time to process it, to try it, to do it.  I'm frustrated.  

Life is a roller coaster of circumstances.  I am a roller coaster of emotions right now.  Sometimes having a sensitive nature that feels all the feels is a curse, not a blessing.  I feel my own stuff and I feel yours, too.  Right now, I'm feeling the loss of a mother grieving her daughter, of daughters grieving the loss of their mama.  Like I said, right now I feel pulled into an undertow of grief.  They say in an undertow not to try to fight it and swim for shore, instead you should swim with it.  So today I'm giving myself permission to do just that.  Today I'm just going to let myself feel the feels.  Today I'm just going to focus on staying afloat.

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29 comments:

  1. Ah Elizabeth, my heart goes out to you, completely. I'm not going to give you loads of encouragement about how you'll be fine, you will remember everything. That's not what you need now. What you need now is a hug and Peace. I pray that the Peace that surpasses all understanding covers you, envelops you, comforts you. All my love in our Lord Christ Jesus. Sammie xxx http://feastingisfun.com

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    1. Sammie, thank you so much for your prayers, this afternoon the peace came! I really felt a shift into heart.

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  2. I kept nodding and thinking I know exactly how you feel, as I read this...Yesterday I attended the memorial service of a neighbor my age...his family the ages of our own children...so much hurt here but SO much more Jesus!!

    Hugs. I'll pray for you as you try to steer your thoughts to wedding joy and prep!

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    1. Thank you, Janet! My daughter and I worked on some wedding stuff tonight. It brought smiles.

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  3. I wish I could help bear your pain and share mine with you--I guess in ways we do--love you dear friend--

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    1. Oh friend, drop me an email or Facebook message me anytime you need me.

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  4. Yes, give yourself permission and space to grieve, to feel the feels. Maybe you needed JT to help you cling to the grace to get through this season. And I'll pray God will bring everything you need to process back to mind in the right time. xo

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    1. Thank you, Sandra. That means a lot to me!

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  5. Elizabeth, wow! Such a hard post but I think we all have had those experiences of feeling the undertow. Praying for all of your losses especially the woman who left behind her kids. So hard! I am kind of jealous you were at Jumping Tandem. I hope to go someday. But I heard wonderful things about this year's retreat. Leaving you with one of my fave Psalms Psalm 30:verse 5 "Weeping may come for the night, but joy comes with the morning."

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    1. Thank you, Tara. You would love Jumping Tandem! It's an amazing retreat.

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  6. Feeling the feels, crying the tears, and letting out the words when they come--the graces of grief that bring us close to Christ in the midst of the heartbreak. Lifting you up in prayer in the hard season of loss.

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    1. Thank you so much for your prayers, Ginger.

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  7. I can't help think that taking a day off to feel all that you are feeling is a good thing, Keeping you in my prayers.

    Love,
    Debbi

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    1. I made a hospital call to pray for a friend having surgery for breast cancer and had a quick lunch with a friend before coming home and diving into studying for Sunday's Mothers Day message and working on wedding stuff. So while it wasn't a day off, God lifted the heaviness about mid day. I know people were praying for me!

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  8. Let the tears fall, my dear friend, and feel the feels. Remember, HE is touched by the feeling of our grief. He understands and cares. You have been on my heart all day. And I've prayed for you.
    ~Adrienne~

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    1. Your prayers are being heard. The heaviness lifted about mid day. I got a lot done today as well!

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  9. I'm so very sorry. We are recovering from losing our first grandchild. Each day the burden become more bearable.

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    1. Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. I said a prayer for you.

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    2. Rebecca, I can't imagine the depth of your grief. I am so very sorry.

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  10. I'm so sorry for your loss, Elizabeth. You read of our church's loss of a 43yo mother of two teenage boys. A heart attack and she's gone. I rest in the comfort of knowing God numbers our days. He knows. Cry to Him. Praying for those girls.

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    1. This young mama was a part of our church as well. Her parents are part of our leadership team.

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  11. Dear Elizabeth,
    I am so very sorry to hear of these losses. I will be praying for the families. I, myself, loss my mother at age 14, she was 38 yr. old. I think a daughter never gets "over it". I miss her terribly and that was 47 years ago. God has a plan and perhaps we will someday have all the answers.
    Will be praying for you too...with all you have to you for the wedding. I am sure it will all turn out lovely.
    Addie

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    1. Oh, Addie, that must have been so hard! The memorial service is this Saturday for the little gal from our church. My heart hurts for her girls.

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  12. Hello Elizabeth,
    I wrote the above last night and this morning as I was praying for you and the families a thought came to me. We, (all your blog readers) as much as we love hearing from you, would certainly understand if you took a break. Until after the
    funerals and the wedding. We, as women, always try to do so much and sometimes we just need to hear..."It is okay, take a break." I hope you will give this some thought.
    Addie

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  13. I so understand. Thanks for being real. Praying right now... xo

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    1. Thank you so much for your prayers! Love to you!

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  14. Elizabeth, I don't know how you did it, but you have completely captured my heart right now. Sometimes I can't *feel the feels* either. I'm grateful for my sensitive nature, but yes, it's a burden sometimes, too. For instance, I love my contacts in Blog Land. I love the community and the friendship. But sometimes I get weighed down in my heart over the pain and suffering of others. This is what I try to remember - that maybe God is just giving me the privilege of seeing into HIS heart a little bit. For indeed, what breaks our hearts breaks His.

    Praying for you and for K's family.

    GOD BLESS.

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  15. A time to mourn...
    Praying and walking alongside.
    Bless you dearly.

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