Wednesday, August 4, 2010

When you’re kind of mad at God…

It’s hard to hear Him when my own emotions are so loud right now.  I wake up in the night, and think of my daily life without them near, and it’s like God has asked me to continue living without the sunshine, and I cry and inwardly groan, “not fair, not fair.”

Their mama, my one blond blue-eyed baby sandwiched between her two brown-eyed sisters, told me she was going to be a missionary to Africa when she was five years old.  She never waivered.  She took her first missions trip to Africa while still in high school.  She went to Bible college clear across the country.  I had time to let go.  I’ve been letting go since she was five.

But the grandbabies…I’m kind of mad at God about them.  It was a long, long, wait for us to have grandbabies. Then, He brought this one into our lives, with her smile that lights up my world, and she was the one who filled the empty place inside that hadn’t had a little one to love since my own babies were small.


Then a grandson!  A boy in my life!  Me, who raised three daughters, finally had a little boy to love.  What a totally fascinating thing that has been.  He turns an ordinary walk in the neighborhood into an adventure.  When I see him again, will he be too old, too cool, to hold his nana’s hand like he does now?



I let go, visualizing laying them on the altar, during Sunday morning worship.  Monday, I untie them, take them down, and clutch them to my heart again.  “Too hard! Too, too hard!” I tell God.  Who is this God who gives you a promise, and then asks you to give it back to Him?  “No backsies, God…not fair, not fair.”

I go on my walk and the song on the IPOD says, “joy is found in the letting go”, and I wonder how, and I wonder when.  “Right now, God.  I need it right now.”

I tell Him, “You aren’t going to just need bottles to collect the tears I’ve cried over this,  You are going to need buckets!” and through the tears, I have to grin with Him at the thought of the shelf marked with my name, lined with buckets of my tears.  I cry easily.  Sad tears, happy tears.

And even though I’m still kind of mad, really mad, I have no where else to go, but to the One I’m mad at.  “If I lay them on the altar, and leave them, promise me there will be a ram in the thicket God…promise?  (Genesis 22:13)  You’ll be my Ram in the Thicket, Jesus…promise?  No backsies, God…no backsies.”

Still following,

holy experience


  1. Oh my dear friend, I understand the pain in your heart - and I know when God calls our children the letting go can be so hard. I'm praying for you and your mother's heart and the letting go that feels like it's tearing our hearts out. Your Heavenly Father understands and He is holding you close in His arms. Let the tears go - think about the beautiful bottles He must have just waiting for yours! My dear, little mother collects cobalt blue glass. She is sure the windows of her mansion in Heaven will be lined with cobalt blue bottles full of tears - lots of them. But think how the sun (Son) will shine through those bottles.

  2. My heart aches for you my sweet friend, I just want to hug you. You are constantly in my thoughts and prayers. Those babies will always treasure their Nana. XXOO, Damaris

  3. I know the sacrifice is great. My heart, too, aches thinking of being away from you, and my babies being away from their Nana. I just keep reminding myself that this is temporal. We have eternity to be together. I wish I could make the pain go away. I hate seeing you in pain. My kids are so lucky and blessed to have such a wonderful Nana, and I a wonderful Mommy.
    I love you! xoxoxoxo

  4. Oh, this makes me want to cry. Isn't it wonderful that He doesn't leave us? I hope you will get a lot of surprise visits. You never know what's around the bend...:)

  5. I am always made breathless by the juxtaposition of beauty and pain in life with Christ. Praying for you and your sweet family during this season. How tender His heart is toward all of you!
    Belated birthday blessings to you, also!

  6. I too understand your pain because God has moved us from our family and grandchildren. He says "Go" and we must go. The emptiness of our home seems to echo but still I know God has the perfect plan for me, my children and grandchildren. That is truly what holds me together.

    Came to your blog by way of "Walk with Him". First time to read any of these posts. I must tell you how very much your has touched my heart.

    Trusting God,
    Linda J


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